Out of the Fog: Coming to Life





 

Winter 2018: I can recall a few excruciatingly hard times over my 36 years of life, and this winter is near the top of the list. To most people, things probably looked fine from their viewpoint. We had moved back from our three month stint in Nashville, into a beautiful house on a quiet street near downtown. Brad had low paying but steady work, I was homeschooling the girls and in my first trimester of pregnancy with our forth little girl. Brad jumped back into life in Helena full force, getting more involved than ever in church, school and community. Meanwhile, I struggled with severe morning sickness, so no one ever thought twice about my lack of involvement or no-shows to Sunday services all winter. Normal first trimester stuff of course.

The reality was, I felt dead. Like the walking, talking, sometimes forced-smiling dead.

I've already posted about my bout with depression here, so I won't go into detail again, but as Spring slowly reappears and my soul with it, I look back at the past four months and my stomach hardens a bit, tightening at the mere remembrance of the difficulty I faced in trying to raise my three little loves in the midst of such darkness of mind. The memory of it is still fresh, though thankfully fading bit by bit each day that the sun shines warmer and the grass greens and new life appears both outdoors and in my very soul.



It's late April in western Montana, and I feel normal again, but feeling "normal" is such a stark contrast to what I felt all winter long that normal feels exhilarating. I feel so...alive! You know how we tend to appreciate each new season because we start to tire of the current one just a bit? We anticipate Fall as we grow tired of the relentless Summer heat; a glorious Fall gently ushers us into the slow and peaceful Winter; and Spring's appearance is always sweet as we grow tired of bundling up and shoveling snow. I think most of us wake up and get a little more 'pep' in our step when the snow melts and the birds start singing, when tulips start to emerge from the thawing earth and frost is replaced by dew. Well, magnify that feeling a hundred times; imagine feeling that after having felt nothing for four months, and that's how I'm feeling right now. The contrast is stark. And while I'm basking in it, trying to make up for lost time in so many areas of life, the intensity of my dark winter is still so fresh in my memory, it makes me shudder. The thought of going through it again truly scares me.



When I'm at my best (in a healthy mental state the other eight to nine months of the year), I'm social, I eat well, I feel good, and I'm motivated and energetic. Though I make plenty of parenting mistakes, I've got my A-game on in that realm, I take the girls to parks and hiking and to friend's houses, and I'm involved in serving in my community and church. When SAD hits hard, none of those things exist anymore. It's not a simple "pull myself up and out" or "get it together" or "fake it till I make it". Reading the Bible extra and dwelling on uplifting scripture and listening to praise music doesn't just fix it. It's a chemical shift that I can't control. Call it weakness, judge me, I truly don't mind. Weakness of any sort is looked down upon in our culture, but the apostle Paul says to boast in our weaknesses. I don't love doing that, ok? But I fully admit, I am weak in the winter, and nothing has been able to fix it. Do I lean on Christ? Absolutely! He sustains me; He is my everything and the only reason I make it through the dark months. Yet...

If there's a solution, you better believe I'm chasing after it! And so is my husband. I've dropped the ball big time throughout the course of my life. I've made huge, life altering mistakes. While obviously, I know I'll make mistakes as a mama, motherhood is one area I do NOT want to drop the ball. I don't want to look back after more than two decades of parenting and see that I was an absent parent for months every single year. I don't want my girls to always remember having to fend for themselves every January through March. That thought makes me sick. To the best of my ability, I need to be my best for my kids and for my husband. That is my full time job, my full time ministry, the gift that's been entrusted to me that I desperately want to be diligent with.



Today is supposed to be 70. Bikes have been dusted off, pansies planted, the patio table set up. Though still chilly in the mornings, flip flops are the shoe of choice around here, and the strawberries I bought this week actually tasted like strawberries! The long winter has finally made it's exit, and my own dark night is over. Morning has come. And I don't want to go back. I can't. Feeling so alive makes me know that so far as it depends on me, I can't go back.

Extreme as it might seem, a major move may be on the horizon. I'm not a fan of running from problems, but this is different. This is literally about my family's well being. When I'm well, the family is happy, things function as they should. Even my physical health is impacted greatly by my mental health. My back pain and headaches subside and my stomach seems to work better--not perfect, but noticeably better. The thought of another cross country move at seven months pregnant is nerve-wracking; the thought of winter after winter in MT is more nerve-wracking. As much as I hate the thought of leaving family here behind again, it seems like the best thing for us to do right now. I'm learning to separate emotions and feelings from facts. The reality is, staying in Montana, for now, is probably not the best scenario for our family. Besides the cold long winters, cost of living is crushing us and we haven't met a single one of our financial goals in seven years. I'd love to end up in Boise someday...close to family, neat city and mild weather...but they'll have to work on paying teachers a fair wage before that can happen for us.

Of course, more than anything, we want God's perfect will for us. I'm praying toward the move working out, but I'm also praying for him to give me peace and contentment and joy if we stay here. I know he works all things for good, and I know if he chooses to keep us here, I have to trust that he will get me through and that somehow, it's for my good and even for my family's good.

We find ourselves in limbo once again. Someday we will settle, but in all reality? This world is not our home anyway, which helps calm my heart when I start feeling anxious about not knowing what tomorrow holds (though even the most "stable" people don't actually know what tomorrow holds either). I don't know where my husband will get a job or where we'll be in a few months. But today? Today I'm going to pack picnic lunches and take my girls to the park and walk barefoot through the grass and dig in the dirt a little, planting a few more flowers while the girls play and get dirty and sun kissed. And if it actually reaches 70? We'll drop everything and go to our favorite local ice cream shop, as is tradition in the Knox family. It's going to be a good day. The fog has lifted and being alive never felt so real. Hope you're enjoying Spring wherever you are!

 



 

 

 

 

Read More

Share:

On Chronic Pain, Healing and Hope

We humans, we like to label each other. Maybe it makes us feel safe, slapping a label on others, or maybe, much as I hate to admit it, maybe it makes us feel better about ourselves. At least I'm not _________(fill in the blank with so-called negative label). We label friends and strangers alike, based on both things we know and things we don't. The older I get, the more I consciously try not to label people. At the age of thirty five, I'm still learning the complexities of myself,  aware that I will never fully understand all those complexities, and therefore, I can't slap a label on another fellow human being who is as complex as myself. Many labels come with unfavorable stigmas attached, and so, I hide from most people some of the very most real and raw parts of myself, afraid of being labeled with something as unglamorous as depressed or chronic pain sufferer.



Yes, I deal with bouts of clinical depression and I have suffered from chronic pain and unresolved health issues for the better part of a decade. And I've suffered mostly in silence for all those years. Those closest to me know something of my back and health issues (it's hard to hide from the people you live with and the people you share life with, e.g. my husband and kids, my parents, and my closest friends), but few of them--if any--know, much less understand what a typical day is for me. Just because I'm smiling and laughing doesn't mean I'm okay. Out of those few people I just mentioned, even fewer of them know I struggle with depression. In fact, my own husband has only known in the last month. I have dealt--or not dealt, depending on how you look at it--silently. I'm afraid of being labeled. I am so much more than my depression; than my chronic pain, and I'm afraid that if people know, they'll fail to see the rest of me, the better parts, the "more together" parts.

Fears laid out on the table, knowing full well that posting this may in fact earn me labels in the eyes of some readers, I'm going to move forward and talk about chronic pain, the theology of healing, and of hope, ah, glorious hope, the thing that gets me through the worst days. I'm tired of hiding, and while this doesn't define me, it is part of who I am, at least right now and for the past several years.

First, I want to say that most days, I try to remember to thank the Lord for legs that walk, a back that can hold itself upright (mostly), for eyesight and hearing and other working senses. I thank him for overall health, that I don't have a terminal illness, or a condition that has me bound to a wheelchair for the rest of my life. For these things, I am truly grateful, and I fully acknowledge that there are literally millions out there suffering from pain and handicap more than I've ever known or imagined. Keeping that in mind, I also fully--and without guilt that I'm being weak or whiny--acknowledge that I, though on a lesser level, deal with very real and sometimes debilitating pain every single day of my life. Now listen up, this is huge, and I cannot reiterate this point enough:

Acknowledging our struggles, whether mental, physical, spiritual, relational, or otherwise, is the first step toward managing the struggle and moving toward a place of healing and hope.

The day I first said that dirty word depression out loud, healing began in my mind. In marital conflict, the day I admit that there's a problem, relational healing can begin. And the day I decided to call my back and neck pain and headaches and relentless stomach dysfunction what it is--chronic pain--was the day healing and hope began. Sweeping it under the rug of  "other people have it worse than me" is not helpful. It's denial. And when you're in denial, you're not proactive in taking care of the problem. Even worse, you live in guilt every single day. For me, I spent years feeling guilt over so many things! For example, not getting more housework done, not taking my kids sledding unless my husband could go too, eating out because I physically couldn't make dinner some nights. The list goes on: things other moms could do that I just couldn't. Finally admitting that I am dealing with serious chronic pain and that I am literally doing the very best I can do took a tremendous weight off my shoulders. I have good days and bad days. Sometimes, the pain is low and manageable and I take all three kids hiking while Brad is at work. Other days, I wait till he is off, knowing that if the little one needs carried part way, I won't be able to do it. Some days, I tackle piles of laundry, clean the bathrooms, run errands with kids in tow, and cook three from-scratch meals for my family. The pain is manageable and a back massage before bed helps me sleep. But then, there are days where I homeschool my kids from the couch with a heating pad, take a nap, throw together PBJ for lunch, and resign myself to getting takeout for dinner--without feeling guilty for days afterward. I do what I can when I can, and when I can't, I have learned to have grace with myself and thank God for what I was able to do that day.





As a Christian, theology abounds in regards to physical healing. Some believe in anointing with oil and the laying on of hands. Some believe that physical ailments are a direct result of sin, and conversely, a prosperity type theology implying that if you're really walking with God, he will surely bless you with health and wealth. Others believe that if one has enough faith, they will be healed (and thus, that a lesser faith will leave one suffering). I could go on and on about the things I've read, heard, been told. But at the end of the day, I have my own theology, if you care to read on. Here goes:

The Bible never promises health to the believer: It promises comfort, peace and hope. It never promises that we won't be given more than we can bear: It does tell us to lay our burdens at the feet of Jesus, that his yoke is easy and his burden light, that we can cast our cares on him because he cares for us. It doesn't promise that the Christian will be strong: It promises that His power is made perfect in our weakness; that when I am weak, He is strong. The Bible promises that for the believer, there will be pain and suffering, just as Jesus experienced pain and suffering. "In this world, you will have trouble, but take heart, for I have overcome the world." It also tells us to count it pure joy when we face trials, for this 'testing' makes us mature and complete in the faith. Trials and tribulations give a certain wisdom that, quite honestly, someone who has faced very little hardship will never possess. (I am humbled when I think of those in desperate and agonizing situations of all sorts all around this broken, fragile world, and realize my lack of wisdom compared to theirs...)

I've been prayed for and anointed with oil by an elder of the church. My husband prays fervently for me daily. I've done physical therapy, chiropractic care, therapeutic massage, acupuncture, essential oil therapy, and tried the gamut of supplements. I eat healthy, I take vitamins and geek out over all things health and nutrition. I exercise, do yoga and stretching, foam rolling, deep breathing, and everything in between. I pray, I don't know of any unconfessed deliberate sin in my life. AND I STILL HAVE CHRONIC PAIN. I don't for a minute believe God is punishing me, or that there is some unconfessed sin that I've forgotten about, that God is just waiting for me to remember and then He'll heal me.

So what do I believe? I believe that we live in a fallen world. That until we die and leave these broken imperfect bodies behind in exchange for our new glorified bodies (I cannot wait for my new body!!!!!!), we will experience pain and hardship. I believe that old verse (you know, the one that people always say at completely inappropriate times and beat people over the head with instead of 'mourning with those who mourn'?), that God works everything for good for those who love him. I believe with all my heart that God is working my physical ailments for good. I do hope I get to see the fruit of what he's doing in this lifetime, but even I don't, I have faith that there is good being manifested even now, as I tap out these words with an unrelenting grape sized knot in my neck, it's tentacles of nerve endings wrapping up around the back of my head and around my eyes. I believe he is teaching me to lean in to him every hour of every day. He's teaching me humility. He's teaching me true empathy for others. He's teaching me to rejoice even when I don't feel like it, that feelings often follow actions. Give thanks over, and over, and over even when I'm miserable...the joy will come eventually. He's teaching me the joy in being broken, a subject I can't even begin to tackle. (I highly recommend reading Ann Voskamp's book, The Broken Way. Oh my, such wisdom in that book!)

Here's the ugly truth. Every minute of every day, I don't live the super-spiritual way I want, reciting those truths I just listed above. I forget everything I believe. I grumble sometimes. I feel sorry for myself occasionally. I get focused on what other people are able to do so easily, things that my back/neck simply won't allow me to do. I give up momentarily sometimes. I want life to be easy and question "Why me?" I doubt my faith and wonder about that whole sin thing, if maybe I'm being punished for my past mistakes. I DON'T HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER. But as I've learned from author/blogger Ruth Chow Simmons: Just keep preaching truth to myself! This is the life of the believer: We fall down, we get back up. We fall again, but we keep getting up. We don't stay down. We come back to the Word over and over and over and over. I start every day in the Word and in prayer. It sustains me, even if I don't realize it. Some days are good, other days, I forget God as soon as I close my Bible and try to get through on my own...those days aren't so good. But then at the end of the day, whether it felt like He was with me or not, I try to end every night meditating on a verse as I drift off to sleep. He sustains me, he carries me, he strengthens me, and I just keep running the race as best I can.

Maybe I'll be healed in this life. I hope so...I really, really hope so. But until then, I will let his power rest upon my weakness. I will do my best. I will be gentle with myself and not feel less-than on my bad days. And I will not be labeled, but will allow my trials to be part of who I am and who I'm becoming: just like everyone, His masterpiece.

 

 

Read More

Share: